Hello from Lisbon! We had a blissfully sunny week, but it’s a gray, colder day so I’m enjoying a morning of writing, reflecting, and reading. We’re headed to London next week to celebrate Thanksgiving with our community there, which is one of our favorite moments of the year. I’m looking forward to nestling into this cabin (below) for a 5-day silent retreat in mid-December.
#1 Time Dorks…We’re Back!
One of the main reasons I’ve been quiet these past few weeks is that I’ve been focusing my writing energy on the Make Time universe.
If you’ve been reading this newsletter for awhile, I assume you are somewhat familiar with Make Time, which is a book & framework for well, making time for what matters most to you.
It’s one of the books that changed my life, and I’m incredibly privileged to be able to run the Make Time at Work business and offer Make Time as one of the core programs from our company, Forgewell.
Anywayyyy…two weeks ago, we re-launched our newsletter, Time Dorks!
Every Monday, I’m sharing a Make Time tactic to try out, a technology or tool I’m experimenting with, and a quote we love.
All about making time for what matters in this busy world filled with distractions.
If you’re curious, check out the first two posts:
#2 Self-Development & Emotional Fluidity
I’m geeked to be joining the upcoming cohort of The Connection Course by Joe Hudson and The Art of Accomplishment team.
I’ve been following Joe’s work for over a year, ever since I was introduced to him through Jonny Miller’s Nervous System Mastery course. Joe joined for an hour of his “hot seat coaching” and it was incredible to see him in action. The emotional unlocks, the insights, and the realizations be brought forth from those who volunteered to be coached was amazing.
I shared his work with Claire and she did his Great Decisions Course earlier this year and truly loved it.
A lot of Joe’s work is around relationships, connection, self-exploration, emotional awareness, and personal transformation.
One core concept that I see running through Joe’s different courses emotional fluidity and learning how to be with emotions rather than suppress or repress them.
Ultimately, I believe in the words of neuroanatomist and author Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor who says:
Most of us think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, but we are actually feeling creatures that think.
Joe Hudson and his team at the Art of Accomplishment are at the forefront of personal transformation and helping people re-learn the power of their emotions.
If this resonates with you, their podcast feed is gold. All the content and lessons from their courses are available, for free, in the feed.
Here are three episodes I’d recommend:
#3 Retreat
I’m feeling a major energy shift in the past few weeks. The seasonal change in weather, the shorter days, the autumnal aromas on my morning walks.
All of this sparked a desire in me to plan some time to step back from the day-to-day, drop into some stillness, and witness what emerges.
I’ve booked a sweet little cabin in the Portuguese countryside in mid-December to make space for this retreat.
The last time I did a personal retreat was in November ‘21 at an Unplugged “digital detox” cabin in the UK, so this is long overdue.
I’m excited to drop into stillness, stop all the doing, and commit to silence. To some of you, this might sound challenging, but in actuality, it is incredibly nourishing.
P.S. you don’t need to book a getaway or take five days off to have a retreat. Claire and I have done many “Silent Sundays” at home where we’ve adopted silence (and no tech) from the morning until sundown. We just read, go for walks, journal, etc. but no talking. It’s very restorative, and completely free ;)
#4 The Willpower Flip
After a year of good partying, long nights, and miserable hangovers, I decided to quit.
I had my first sip of alcohol when I was around 13, grimacing as we took pulls from the warm vodka bottle in my parent’s liquor cabinet. Giggling as we topped the bottle up with tap water, thinking my mom would never know the difference.
Fast-forward 15 years, and drinking had become a habit, a ritual, almost background noise to my 20s.
But this short essay is not about all the reasons I decided to quit, it’s about a strange phenomenon that I’m calling The Willpower Flip.
—
When I say willpower, you probably have an idea that jumps to your head.
Self-control. Discipline. Restraint.
These are the words that speak to this idea of willpower for most of us.
I’d bet that you’ve also struggled with willpower in some form or fashion. Maybe a diet that you couldn’t quite adopt, or a new habit that you couldn’t quite sustain.
In many ways, willpower feels like a muscle, just one that lives inside your head.
You can exert willpower and flex this muscle in two ways:
To do something you don’t want to do (i.e. go outside for a run)
To stop yourself from doing something you want to do (e.g. not eating the full tub of Ben and Jerry's).
(note: my friend Charlotte wrote an excellent summary of willpower wisdoms in a recent newsletter if you want to nerd out a bit more)
—
When I first stopped drinking, it took willpower. I had to consciously say no. I had to explain myself to my friends. I had to make an active decision to not do this thing that part of me wanted to do.
While this was challenging, it became easier and easier over time.
I had a simple script to explain myself to new friends or acquaintance, all of whom seemed overly interested in the reasons for my non-drinking.
I had learned how to laugh off the occasional “come on man, just drink tonight…it’s my birthday!” type of peer pressure, and quickly change the subject.
I had also started filling my calendar with activities that didn’t revolve around the pub, so I wasn’t in the environment where drinking was more prevalent.
But a funny thing happened, subtly then all at once.
—
“No, Connor doesn’t drink.”
“Connor, what do you want, sparkling water with lime? Kombucha?”
All of a sudden, I had the identity of someone who didn’t drink.
I can’t remember when the flip occurred, but soon I began to realize that now, it no longer required really any willpower to turn down a drink.
In fact, it would have required some willpower to drink again.
I’d have to justify the change in behavior to myself. I’d have to explain this rationale to my friends. I would have to go against this identity of a non-drinker.
This is what I mean by a The Willpower Flip.
Initially, the behavior you want to start or stop requires willpower.
But slowly, you build up evidence towards a new identity.
Then it flips.
The behavior that required willpower (e.g. not drinking), no longer requires any.
But the opposite (e.g. drinking), suddenly requires some willpower. Some effort. Some conscious action to deviate from your new normal.
—
This all reminds me of what James Clear says about the importance of identity in building new habits:
Every action you take is a vote towards the person you wish to become.
At first, it’s hard to do the new thing. But soon, you build up evidence and slowly you take on the identity of this new person.
Then the habit becomes easier to follow. It takes less willpower.
Now that I’ve noticed this in one area of my life, I’ve seen it in many others.
8 years ago, when I first tried to start meditating, it was hard.
Today, with years of practice, and an identity shaped by being “someone who meditates”, I now find it takes almost zero willpower to sustain my meditation habit.
I think Willpower Flips can be a light at the end of a tunnel for many people struggling to create a new habit or eliminate a bad one.
Whether you’re changing how you eat, reconnecting with a spiritual tradition, getting into running, weightlifting, or tai chi…know that with enough time, the willpower you’re investing into this habit will pay dividends.
You’ll hopefully have a Willpower Flip.
And one day, you’ll realize that thing that was hard at first has become easy and automatic.
Wishing you well.
Connor
P.S. I’m continuing to experiment with the format and content in this newsletter. Hat tip to who writes the excellent for the format idea for this week’s One Percent Wisdom. Instead of my normal focus on one idea, I’ve gone for a more casual, freeflowing take on a few topics that are top of mind for me right now. Reply or comment with your feedback and thoughts!
love the riffs - also experience the same thing with drinking -havent drank in 5 years, would take activation to get back into it
Every year now I do an "off the grid" week to unplug. Heading to Nicaragua around the same time. Such a valuable staple curious to hear how it is for you this year and what you end up taking away from it!